you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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