Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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