I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
