Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
