Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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