No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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