i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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