I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
