just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
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Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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