Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
