i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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