Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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