That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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