I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
