This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
