fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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