Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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