You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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