I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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