Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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