True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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