After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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