I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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