I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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