If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
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