Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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