Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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