I think I died a long time ago.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
