Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
