Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Panties = found
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