I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
