So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
