Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
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