She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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