Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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