My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
The ass gains better be worth it
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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