Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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