I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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