Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
