careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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