Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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