what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
