matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
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