yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
