and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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