I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
