But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
