Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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