I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
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