Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
