I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
